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"Like a graveyard...
... people dig me"
I apparently live in BoCoCa 
28th-Dec-2003 11:42 pm
Burning Man
Why am I such a fucking leech?

Today I saw Laura, and we wandered about the city. It was a good time. Went to the Strand. Picked up a belated christmas present for faboo, which I will send once I have a chance to get to a post office.
"there will be
more from me
because this is not how I say the end is"
Live From New York - "More From Me"

After dropping Laura off at the LIRR station, I was greeted with a, "yanno, you should get your license." And I just went off the deep end. I know I should get my license. I know that I'm barely a capable human being without it. I know that I'm just a dependent bitch without it. I also know that there is no way I can pass that test. And when I fail it, I will just cause the parents to pour more money down my throat.
And what the fuck am I going to use a car for? Just to spend more money. Drive myself places, buy gas, spew out poison, pay terrorists, pay extortionists.

Yes I know I should have it. Yes it would make my life easier. Yes I, on many levels, want it. So why does this create so much psychic havoc with me?


And then at dinner, Dad was explaining to Chris that the latter should not leave the keys in the car and then said how explained a trick to me about how to not leave the keys in the car. When we visited Johns Hopkins, I left the keys in the car after taking something out of the back. We had to get their Campus Safety (or whatever) to jimmy the lock open.

So I said, "So I fucked up, like always."

And the evening continued its downward decline.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Obviously I'm not in horrible shape — I've got a family that cares for me (and give me free housing/food/rides even though I don't deserve them), I've got amazing friends, I've got more than enough to feed and clothe myself.

On the other hand, I feel like such a fuckup all the time. I am just full of all of this kind of shit.

Why do anything if it cannot be done right? This is how I feel a lot of the time. It's why I believe things like "better never than late" and "fuck it."

And then my mom goes and says maybe I should go see a therapist again. Like we have the money to blow on such a vacuous thing as my personal well-feeling. What the fuck. Why do people think I matter? I don't matter. I'm just 5.78 slugs (84 kilos, for you metric folk [thank google]) of stardust. Waste matter from something important. Byproduct of normal animal things. Waste of resources and potentials.

And then I go get people worried about me by saying shit like this. So I'm even more of a drain on society, or more importantly, on the people I care about, than I was previously.
Always on your mind
Always on rewind
"habit" by Skrape
Anyways, I should drop this like a bad habit.

I should fix my wishlist to account for Christmas, and give y'all an official update. If I finish one of my major projects for tomorow, I will shirk off at work and do that. I bought myself the FLCL manga. It makes several orders of magnitude less sense than the anime. Anyone who has seen the anime must wonder how this is possible. It is.

2.20501054 × 1026 US teaspoons
Comments 
29th-Dec-2003 07:58 am (UTC)
There's nothing worth doing that's not worth failing miserably at.

::HUG::
30th-Dec-2003 11:37 am (UTC)
True that.
29th-Dec-2003 03:37 pm (UTC)
I happen to feel the same way you do about cars sometimes. I've got a bike, many public transportation maps and schedules, as well as a very careful scheme for planning transport set up for a reason. I should do a cost analysis, but I bet I spend on the order of $300-500 a year in transportation costs. That buys you ... a fender on a car.
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